Thursday, December 13, 2007

Fred Hearts Snow

Ah, snow! Fred loves it. The feeling of snow under his sturdy paws, the sweet sensation of cool flakes falling on his little pink tongue and floppy ears....

For some reason, Mama Lizo doesn't seem to enjoy the snow as much as Fred does. Though it does make it easier to find and scoop up Fred's poo.

Time for Fred's hot chocolate!

Stay warm,


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Fred is Going Grassroots

If you know Fred, you know that Fred loves him some Oreo Cakesters. And baby carrots. And microwaved 94% fat free popcorn.

But mostly Oreo Cakesters, and that's what this new, grassroots movement is about. If you are a fan of the Oreo Cakester, Fred would like to encourage you to contact Nabisco and ask them to feed our habit with two new versions:

1) the vanilla cake / vanilla creme Cakester

2) the vanilla cake / chocolate creme Cakester.

Here is a link to Nabisco's FAQ and comment form.

Many thanks to Pascale for locating that vital information on the World Wide Woof.

I would send Nabisco a message right now, but my paws and mouth are full of cakey goodness.

Love and Cakesters,


Monday, December 10, 2007

Fred is Improving His Literacy Skills!

cash advance Fred is so excited to inform you that according to the Blog Readability Test, Fred's blog is written on a Junior High level.

Mama Lizo's blog is on a college (postgrad) level, but she's a nerd.



Friday, December 07, 2007

Fred is A-Okay

A concerned Fredfan wrote to my mommy to ask if I had been de-barked or something. She was worried because it has been so long since my last post.

I am fine, fredfans. I have just been busy with my many projects and activities, including high-fashion modeling, snowboarding, chewing my paws and napping.

I will try to write more in the future. Even when I don't, fredfans, please know that I am always thinking of you.



PS: A few comments wouldn't hurt, either. Fred has feelings too, you know.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Fred is Feeling Harassed

Mama Lizo and Mama Carol have received several notes from our downstairs neighbors. Here is Mama Lizo's response. She has not shared it with them, but writing it made her feel much better.

Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

Thank you for your constructive criticism.

As you know, we have attempted to address your concerns by carpeting our apartment and not wearing shoes while we are in our home. Based on your valuable input, we have decided to make some additional improvements, as follows.

The stairway, which is carpeted, is currently our only means of access in and out of our apartment. Apparently, the fact that we occassionally request access to the apartment that we pay to rent (Yes! We do indeed pay lots of rent!) is an issue for you. To address this concern, we plan to enter and exit via the windows instead. A contractor will be by shortly to install a system of pulleys and a large bucket for this purpose. We will of course contact you before entering or leaving to request permission. We will also speak with you before we cook, watch TV, shower, flush the toilet, open a drawer, turn on a light, or any other action that might disturb you.

We understand that the dogs make some noise when they enter and leave the apartment as well. Currently, we either leash the dogs upstairs or let them out unleashed and then harness them up outside. Apparently, neither option is working to your satisfaction. Effective immediately, we will instruct the dogs to relieve themselves in the apartment.

To address other concerns you have about the dogs (ie, occassional barking and tail wagging), we plan to have them de-barked and de-tailed. If the ASPCA complains, we will explain that we really had no choice in the matter.

We have also requested special permission from our employers to start work late and leave early so that we will not disturb you. We trust that our employers - a non-profit serving all public libraries in the County and a nationwide property management firm - will understand and grant this request. No more early-morning, late-night, or weekend meetings for us - thanks! We will also submit requests to you before scheduling our business trips.

In return, we expect that we will no longer be subjected to your loud, whiney voices (did you know that we can hear all of your conversations?), constant door-slamming, and furniture moving. Would you consider carpeting your ceiling to cut down on the noise? It might also help if you covered all of your walls in cork and communicated via American Sign Language. In addition, as we are having the dogs de-barked, we request that you have your baby's voice box removed so we will not have to hear her cry. Perhaps our vet can work out a 2 for 1 special.

Again, thank you for pointing out the errors of our ways. Before your last note, we had no idea that we had people living below us! We are also aware that you moved to Port Washington from Manhattan and we are sure that the high noise level here must be difficult for you to bear.

Your Upstairs Neighbors : )

Friday, October 05, 2007

Fred Reviews Books

A certain head of reference gifted my mommies with a copy of Barkitecture. I must say that it looks awfully yummy - Fred loves to gnaw on coated stock.

It is also just the book for a stylish dog like Fred, the dog who yearns to lounge in a doghouse designed by Frank Lloyd Wright (really!) or The Muttropolitan Opera House. Did you know that Marie Antoinette had a sumptious niche a chien at Versailles? Just a hint, mommies!

Next on Fred's reading list: How to Raise a Jewish Dog.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Public Service Announcement from Newsday and Fred

SYOSSET: Free vaccinations for pets Saturday
September 12, 2007

Nassau residents can get free rabies vaccinations for their pets Saturday at the Oyster Bay Animal Shelter in Syosset, the county Health Department said.The vaccinations for dogs, cats and ferrets are offered from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at the shelter, 150 Miller Place, Syosset. The law requires dogs, cats and ferrets to be immunized against rabies.

"With 66 rabid raccoons found to date in Nassau County since 2004 ... it is more important than ever to immunize your pets," a department statement said.

For more information, go to the county Web site at or call 516-571-2290, or the state Health Department's site at or call 518-474-3186.

Copyright © 2007, Newsday Inc.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Fred Hearts Grandma

Grandma says that Fred is a yumptious dog.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

It's Late for Fred to Be Up

Fred isn't usually up this late, but Mama Lizo had a big meeting tonight for work and he really wanted to say hey to her before she (and he) went to sleep. I love the way Mama Lizo spends time with me each evening, stroking my silky ears and calling me her Handsome Boy while we watch reruns of General Hospital or she reads to me.

Mama Carol thinks this is weird.



Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's Good to Be the Dog

Umm, Fred would like 12 million dollars too, please.


Frederick Helmsley

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Many Names of Fred

Full Legal Name: Frederick Carter Duboff

Hebrew Name: Eitan Chaim ("strong" and "life")

Backwards Name to Which I Respond Anyway: Derf

Yiddish Name: Derfeleh

Bedroom Name: Mr. Cuddles

Royal Name: Maria Fredericka

Superhero Name: Captain Confused

Don't Ask: Princess Fred

Stripper Name: Candi

Friday, July 27, 2007

A Day in the Life of Fanny

Hello, this is guest blogger Fanny Duboff. Fred blogged about his day yesterday and many people have asked to learn more about my exciting life. How could I disappoint my many fans? Here you go, darlings:

6 am: Awaken from Beauty Sleep. First rubdown of the day.

6:15 am: Lead yoga class (I am well-known for my downward dog).

6:45 am: Walk my humans. Dictate memo to Bill Gates.

7 am: Refreshing drink of filtered water. Light breakfast of organic, free-range dog kibble.

7:30 am: Humans finally vacate my living space. Settle down for a Power Nap in air-conditioned bliss.

10 am: Work on novel.

1 pm: Lunch with Hillary Clinton, Oprah, The Dalai Lama, and Bono.

2:30 pm: Chess tournament.

4 pm: Watch Oprah's show while I work on my paintings.

5 pm: The first human arrives home. Walk her, then return home for milkbone smoothie and rubdown.

6 pm: Conference call on my plan for peace in the Middle East.

7 pm: Instruct human on dinner preparation as I lie on rug and growl at Frederick.

8 pm: Power nap.

9 pm: Moonlight meditation walk.

10 pm: Time for my Beauty Sleep!



Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Day in the Life of Fred

Are you aware of the busy life Fred leads? Let me take you into just one day so you can see how action-packed my schedule can be.

6 am: My Mommies wake up. Fred rolls over, thinks about milkbones and butterflies.

6:30 am: Walk with Mommy and Fanny. Circle and circle and...oh, a bee! Now, what was I doing? I forgot.

Why is Fanny annoyed with me?

7-7:30 am: Drink water. Eat some organic dog food.

7:30 am: Mommies leave for work. Fred hops on bed and naps.

7:30 am-3 pm: Naptime, with occasional water breaks. Wonder when, or if, Mommies will come home.

3:00-5 pm: Fred moves to the living room to watch General Hospital and Oprah. Fred tries to lay on comfy rug. Fanny growls.

5:00 pm: Lizo home! Jump up and down like a dancing bear.

5:15 pm: Walk with Lizo. Visit Willow, the neighboring cairn terrier. Lizo sings to Fred, which helps "move things along."

5:45 pm: Whew, that walk was exhausting! Drink some water, eat some kibble, sleep.

7 pm: It's hamburger night!

7:30-10pm: Nap.

10 pm: Cuddle time with Mama Lizo and bedtime.

What a day!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Fred is out of sorts

I am having a lot of trouble adjusting to Mommy's new work schedule. I was feeling secure having her home most of the time, and now she leaves in the morning and I don't know if I'll ever see her again.

I think Fanny is feeling it, too. Neither of us has been eating during the day. First off, speaking for myself, I'm a little depressed without Mommy around. Also, who knows when she'll be back to fill up the food bowl with our special organic food, pour some filtered water into Fred's tureen, and sing to me?

Mama Lizo tried to spiff up the living room for us and make us more comfortable during the day by adding a cheerful rug to our living space (picture of cheerful rug is above right). Fanny and I do like it - so much so that we've been arguing over it. Fanny lies down on it, spreads herself out, and growls at me. What's a gentle hound to do?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Fred is a Travel Buff

Mama Lizo is going to Seattle in September. Fred wants to go, too. After all, the hotel is Fred-friendly.

BTW, it rained way too much this morning. Lizo left the living room lights on for us, but still, Fred gets scared when there is rain and lightning and thunder. Even Fanny gets scared! If anyone has any tips on how I could be not so scared, please let Fred know.


Chicken Dog

Friday, June 01, 2007

Fred is Much Less Furry

Happy Shabbat, y'all. Momma Lizo is being a bad Jew and working tonight over at the 'berry. Fanny is home with me and preparing to light the candles. I'm not allowed to do this because a) I'm male and b) I would probably set my wet little nose on fire. Reminds me of the time our dear departed Archie, the cat son of Momma's aunt and uncle, burned off his whiskers on the Chanukah candles. RIP Archie!

My sister and I had spa treatments yesterday at Unleashed, a way hip dog salon on Main Street. We left feeling cooler and pounds lighter after the fabulous Laura gave us our summer 'dos. At right: a photo of a furrier me that will be featured in Mommy's summer exhibit at the Bellmore Memorial Library. Fred's a star!



Thursday, May 31, 2007

Wear Your Lifejacket or DIE

Momma Lizo's little niece created the poster seen above as part of a Safe Boating contest. In case you're having trouble reading it, the text reads "Please boat safety your kids might die. Wear your life jacket."

Friday, May 25, 2007

Happy Memorial Day Weekend From Fred

Ah, Memorial Day! Time to kick back, beg for hot dogs, and just be Fred.

I'm not sure what my mommies are planning for the weekend, though I heard a rumor that fireworks may be involved. Fred is quite scared of fireworks. They make big noises that hurt Fred's floppy ears! For that matter, Fred is scared of thunderstorms, cats, garbage cans, umbrellas, the downstairs neighbors, and Fred's own shadow.

I think I need to go cower in a corner now.



Wednesday, May 23, 2007

New Food for Fred

My mommies bought me a new kind of food. It is supposed to help with my allergies. It's yummy!

Yes, Fred is a Natural Choice kind of boy.
Now, if I could just get them to take me to get groomed.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Let My Freddy Go!

Dear Faithful Readers,

This post is being relayed by Fred via me. He says that his Mama Carol has disciplined him about his recent posts. Specifically, Mama Carol was annoyed by the posts suggesting that 1) she cannot cook and 2) she should cook for Fred.

Mama Carol has told Fred not to blog anymore until he apologizes for his uncomplementary remarks about the woman who "picks up his poo, cleans his ears, and always keeps the water bowl full."

On my part, I must echo our Freddy's assertion that Carol cannot cook. Trust me. If I didn't cook or otherwise procure food for her, the woman would eat Chinese take-out for every meal.

In any case, Fred would like you and his Mama to know that he is most grievously sorry and he did not mean to offend anyone.

As ever,


Hint Hint, Mama Carol

The Poop Pantry

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Kurt Vonnegut's Daughter's Dog....

has his own page on MySpace.

I'm sure he's very upset about his grandfather's passing.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Pet Food Recall

It makes Fred scared to eat!

(Did you know that Fred knows how to create a hyperlink?)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Fred Doesn't Want to Get Lost

Chip us, Mama Carol!
Lost Dog Found Four Years Later, 1,100 Miles From Home

LEE'S SUMMIT, Missouri (AP) -- A Boston terrier named Mickey who disappeared four years ago from his suburban Kansas City backyard was found in Montana and reunited with his owners this week.

Cher Jarosz and her daughter Kari Mitchell thought they had lost Mickey forever -- until they received a call from an animal shelter last week 1,100 miles away in Billings, Montana.
A microchip on Mickey helped the Billings Animal Shelter return him. (Watch Mickey's happy homecoming )

"Some lady from the public walked in the back door," said Kristal Ward, office manager at the shelter. "She found the dog running up the street. She tossed him to me, and that's how it started."

Ward said she called Avid, a company that makes microchip identification systems, and was given the name of a veterinary clinic in Lee's Summit, Missouri.

"I called that vet clinic because they were the one that should have a record of that chip," Ward said. "I gave them the chip number, and the woman kind of started screaming.

"She goes, 'Oh my God, is that a Boston terrier? Oh my God, it belongs to Kari Mitchell. She used to work here."'

Ward called Mitchell and confirmed that the dog was Mickey, she said.

After she talked to Mitchell, "Her mother called, and they were just beside themselves," Ward said.

The family said he looks different and doesn't remember his name. His teeth show signs of wear and tear.

Only Mickey knows how he wound up in Montana, and that's fine by Mitchell.

"We're happy to have him home," she told KSHB-TV in Kansas City after Mickey caught a flight home. "I just hope whoever was taking care of him, I hope they were just glad he's home."

Fred is Being Harassed

Fred does not mean this to be a Poison Fred letter, but our new downstairs neighbors are putting Fred over the edge. They have said that Fanny and I make too much noise when we walk (they say "run") through the apartment! Can you believe this? They did not even bother to speak with me and Fanny about this - they just called the landlord. how do they even know it's us? Maybe it's the noise of Mama Lizo walking through the apartment in her annoying high heels. Maybe it's the sound of Mama Carol crunching on her stupid ice cubes.

Ironically, one of our downstairs neighbors is a drummer. He drums everyday and does Fred complain about this? Noooo, he does not.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Did you know that Fred is part Russian?

Here I am in my groovy Russian hat. I'm telling you, my mommies should get me an agent.



Monday, February 26, 2007

Fred Also Likes to Sleep

Fred Likes to Read

Caleigh took this picture of me the other evening in the drawing room, as I was perusing one of my favorite volumes by the fire in my smoking jacket.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Time for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, that is.

I watched a bit last night. Did you know that Bill Cosby's Dandy Dinmont Terrier, Harry (also known as Ch. Hobergays Fineus Fogg), won the terrier group?

Friday, February 09, 2007

Fred Enjoys a Good Book

I see that one of the libraries in Nassau is offering kids ages 5-8 the opportunity to read to a dog on Valentine's Day. I love being read to - especially Clifford books - and I think this is a great idea. Do you think they would let me crash their party?


Encyclofredia Brown

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Fred is Clean

I'm bright and sparkly and sweet-smelling after my recent trip to Unleashed Pet Boutique and Spa in Port Washington. Fanny and I really enjoyed our baths, and they have really cute clothes. They even have clothes in Fred-sizes.

Excuse me while I go check myself out in the mirror. I am such a handsome boy.

With love,