Monday, October 22, 2007

Fred is Feeling Harassed

Mama Lizo and Mama Carol have received several notes from our downstairs neighbors. Here is Mama Lizo's response. She has not shared it with them, but writing it made her feel much better.

Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

Thank you for your constructive criticism.

As you know, we have attempted to address your concerns by carpeting our apartment and not wearing shoes while we are in our home. Based on your valuable input, we have decided to make some additional improvements, as follows.

The stairway, which is carpeted, is currently our only means of access in and out of our apartment. Apparently, the fact that we occassionally request access to the apartment that we pay to rent (Yes! We do indeed pay lots of rent!) is an issue for you. To address this concern, we plan to enter and exit via the windows instead. A contractor will be by shortly to install a system of pulleys and a large bucket for this purpose. We will of course contact you before entering or leaving to request permission. We will also speak with you before we cook, watch TV, shower, flush the toilet, open a drawer, turn on a light, or any other action that might disturb you.

We understand that the dogs make some noise when they enter and leave the apartment as well. Currently, we either leash the dogs upstairs or let them out unleashed and then harness them up outside. Apparently, neither option is working to your satisfaction. Effective immediately, we will instruct the dogs to relieve themselves in the apartment.

To address other concerns you have about the dogs (ie, occassional barking and tail wagging), we plan to have them de-barked and de-tailed. If the ASPCA complains, we will explain that we really had no choice in the matter.

We have also requested special permission from our employers to start work late and leave early so that we will not disturb you. We trust that our employers - a non-profit serving all public libraries in the County and a nationwide property management firm - will understand and grant this request. No more early-morning, late-night, or weekend meetings for us - thanks! We will also submit requests to you before scheduling our business trips.

In return, we expect that we will no longer be subjected to your loud, whiney voices (did you know that we can hear all of your conversations?), constant door-slamming, and furniture moving. Would you consider carpeting your ceiling to cut down on the noise? It might also help if you covered all of your walls in cork and communicated via American Sign Language. In addition, as we are having the dogs de-barked, we request that you have your baby's voice box removed so we will not have to hear her cry. Perhaps our vet can work out a 2 for 1 special.

Again, thank you for pointing out the errors of our ways. Before your last note, we had no idea that we had people living below us! We are also aware that you moved to Port Washington from Manhattan and we are sure that the high noise level here must be difficult for you to bear.

Your Upstairs Neighbors : )

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